CliffsNotes for Bozos:

• Holy shit, folks…I’m not sure we’ve ever seen a Week 1 slate like this. People are saying it’s the greatest Week 1 slate in history! Many people are saying!! And it’s all because of one man…

• Lee Corso!!! In all seriousness, we’re forced by Father Time to say good-bye to a real one this weekend. When the Sunshine Scooter—his nickname as a gamebreaking all-purpose player at FSU in the ‘60s—dons his headgear of choice in Columbus at about 11:58am ET this Saturday morning, it’ll be the last time he blesses each of us to kick off a glorious Saturday in the fall. Drink it in, folks, and in fact, let’s raise a damn glass to a living legend.

• Alabama-Florida State, Ohio State-Texas, Clemson-LSU, Notre Dame-Miami—the list goes on…How do we even wrap our tiny little minds around this succulent slate of saucy showdowns? Allow TTM to guide you. Now let’s go!

The Sweet, Sweet Game Previews…

#1 Texas at #3 Ohio State, Noon ET, FOX, Ohio State -2

By Badger Bill

Week one. A CFP semifinal rematch. #1 vs #3. Big Ten. SEC. Texas. Ohio State. What a god damn time for the junkies!!!

Especially for this junkie, as I’ll be mainlining my way to Columbus for a close-up view. Sure, there will be tears—shoutout to Lee Corso for 38 great years, and one last headgear pick—but on the field, an absolute afternoon delight. What’s gonna happen in the ‘Shoe between noon and 3:30 on Saturday? Who the hell knows! With only 9 returning starters a side, uncertainties abound. There’s really not an outcome that would surprise me.

For my money, it’s allll eyes on the quarterbacks here. Golden Arch (not to be confused with McDowell’s’ famous Golden Arcs…)—the top passer in the class of 2023—takes Bevo’s reins as the clear, totally rational Heisman favorite. On the other side, Julian Sayin—the top passer in the class of 2024—makes his first career start with a whopping 12 career passes under his belt. This should be a fun battle of highly-touted young gunslingers. The long-term ceiling for both is sky high…but what we get from them THIS Saturday is the more salient question here. Luckily for Texas, defense travels. With All-Americans at every level of that unit, Arch likely doesn’t need to be great for the Longhorns to put their stamp on this game. The Buckeyes’ 5-star stable of wideouts, however, likely needs Sayin to deliver for the Buckeyes to keep pace. With the Buckeyes replacing virtually all of last year’s dominant, title-clinching defense, with new play callers on both sides of the ball, and with a young, inexperienced QB with a big arm but not much to offer with his legs…I’d just rather be the Longhorns in week one.

Badger’s Pick: We are SO back, boys and girls. Draw the shades, take the phone off the hook, grab a straw, and SLURP IT UP. Hook ‘em…the ‘Horns not only cover, but they win it outright, 27-24.

#8 Alabama at Florida State, 3:30pm ET, ABC, Alabama -13.5

By BurtReynolds69

An elephant meets a warrior in the red clay hills of Tallahassee. One coach fights for the trust of his new fanbase, the other for his very coaching career. Florida State doesn’t need to beat Alabama this Saturday, but the ‘Noles need to compete. If the Crimson Tide rolls into Doak Campbell Stadium and puts it on Mike Norvell’s Seminoles, then well, Norvell’s odds of sticking around beyond this season take a significant hit. On the flip, if the ‘Noles spring the upset?? We’re talking massive upside, particularly on the recruiting trail, where FSU is still battling the twin reputational hits of the ‘23 snub and an absolutely abominable ‘24.

How does Florida State hang in this one? For one, they use creative and confusing looks along their defensive front to neutralize an Alabama run game that Tide coach Kalen DeBoer and OC Ryan Grubb will almost certainly attempt to establish as a tone-setter early, particularly if the weather forecast holds and heavy thunderstorms roll in throughout the afternoon. If Alabama’s gashing FSU’s starters with 7-, 11-, and 15-yard runs early, this one may not last into the later rounds. That would alleviate some of the pressure new Alabama quarterback Ty Simpson is almost certainly feeling coming into this one, Florida State would be forced to bring its safeties down into the box, and the deadly big-play trio of Ryan Williams, Germie Bernard, and Isaiah Horton would be put in advantageous positions to gash the Seminoles down the field. HOWEVER (!!!), if FSU DC Tony White’s creative looks allow big Darrell Jackson (#6 for FSU and a likely early-round draft pick next spring) and company to wreak some havoc up front and force Simpson into uncomfortable passing-down situations, this game begins to look interesting. An early mistake from Simpson could turn Doak into a hornet’s nest, and could breathe some belief into a team that desperately needs something to go its way.

On the other side, new Florida State quarterback and offseason chatterbox Thomas Castellanos must strike a balance between off-platform playmaking and intelligent decision-making. The hope is that new OC and noted ‘Bama boogeyman Gus Malzahn has a plan to stress the Tide defense with Castellanos’ legs, again, opening up chunk-play opportunities downfield to dangerous receiving threats like 6’6” Duce Robinson and Squirrel White. The fear is that FSU is unable to establish a run game, and it’s Castellanos who presses to make a play and puts the ball in jeopardy early, putting the Seminoles in an early hole against a deeper, more talented opponent.

On Alabama’s first possession, I’m laser-focused on the trench play. Are FSU’s starting defensive linemen getting moved off the ball? If so, their depth pieces don’t stand a chance, and I don’t see many pathways to victory for my boys. On the other hand, if the trenches are being fought to a draw and Simpson’s being forced to make plays to move the Tide down the field, does he look tentative and reticent to rip it into varied zone looks? A Checkdown Charlie won’t strike fear into what I expect to be a ball-hawking secondary, and this game could turn into a rain-soaked grinder that has Tide fans cursing DeBoer as afternoon turns to evening this Saturday…

Burt’s pick: The ‘Noles are (quite literally) a new team this season, and they show it: they make some big plays early and may even lead it at the half, but Alabama’s superior depth and physicality make it an impossible task over four quarters. Tide take this one, 31-27.

#9 LSU at #4 Clemson, 7:30pm ET, ABC, Clemson -4.5

By Dr. Chim Richalds

This Saturday night we’ll all bear witness to the most heinous tiger-on-tiger crime since Joe Exotic tried to off Carole Baskin…and I ain’t lion!!

But seriously, folks…Week 1 is chock-full of titillating affairs, and we’re in for a real treat of Southern-fried football this Saturday evening as Cajun Brian Kelly and his Bayou Bengals head east to the other Death Valley to take on the Dabo State Tigers. LSU enters this matchup without a season-opening win since 2019. What’s different about this LSU team, you ask? Well, the price tag for starters…During Kelly’s radio show last week, the ball coach dropped that this year’s roster will run the Tigers about $18 million. LSU’s been hittin’ the transfer portal hard, bringing 18 new faces to Corndog Village in what the major services have rated the top transfer class in the country. Now in his fourth season, Kelly may be making a last-gasp effort to put his Tigers back in the championship conversation. Garrett Nussmeier, alongside his weekend counterpart in Cade Klubnik, is a legitimate Heisman Hopeful coming into the season. Nussmeier threw for over 4,000 yards last year, and has the talent and, more importantly for this one, the experience to lead his team into a tough atmosphere and compete for four quarters. LSU returns more than half of their receiving touchdowns from last year, and have added a pair of solid options from the portal in Barion Brown and Nic Anderson. That all sounds like a recipe for success, but can LSU’s BGUFs (big guys up front) afford Nussmeier enough time to make plays happen? Clemson boasts arguably one of, if not the best, defensive lines in the nation. Peter Woods and T.J. Parker are probable first-rounders. They’ve also bolstered their already-stout linebacker room with the addition of Jeremiah Alexander from Alabama. With former Penn Stater Tom Allen taking over as defensive coordinator, Clemson’s defense is well-suited to maximize the Tigers’ elite front-four talent. Talkin’ offense, I don’t think we need to harp on Klubnik anymore than we already did in our preseason preview. We know the guy can play, but it’s the tools around him that will really give Clemson a chance to make a deep playoff run in 2025. The offensive line returns four of its five starters and will provide the signal caller with plenty of time to pass to any of his numerous weapons at receiver. Bryant Wesco Jr, T.J. Moore and Antonio Williams are going to be a nightmare for secondaries all season long with their abilities to stretch the field and beat defenders deep.

Chim’s Pick: LSU extends their season opener losing streak to six in a row and sulks back to Baton Rouge to prepare for another tough matchup when the Gators come to town in week three. Clemson, 35-27.

A quick note from the editor:

Folks, allow me to introduce a new contributor to TTM: It’s a good friend of mine from the Kansas days. I played basketball in this young man’s driveway—and Super Smash Brothers in his basement—for at least 6,000 hours. It’s god damn Big 12 Beav! [Phog rolls in to raucous applause, heathen bushwhackers from Missouri retreat to their shanties, yellow tails between their legs.] Why do we call him the Beav?? Because he’s always building—building spreadsheets (and then potentially tearing them up if he loses in whatever cockamamie competition we’re playing…). The guy lays wood, folks. And he’s going to be providing us some Big 12 support moving forward. All hail the Beav!

TCU at North Carolina, Monday, 7:00pm CT (God’s time zone), ESPN, TCU -3.5

By Big 12 Beav

It's Monday Night Football with "Chapel Bill" Belichick, just like old times! (This is not a joke: Bill Belichick and—more likely—his teeny-bopper girlfriend Jordon Hudson just had the “Chapel Bill” moniker trademarked…important first move, Bill!) The Belichick era might get off to a bit of a rough start, by my estimation, as the Tar Heels welcome in roughly 70 new players, stud running back Omarion Hampton will be taking carries for the Chargers this season, and they’ll be starting a third-string center and a freshman left tackle in Week 1. Bill didn't even bother to release a depth chart this week. TCU, on the other hand, rolls into Chapel Hill fresh off a 9-4 season, with QB Josh Hoover—of nearly 4000 yards and 27 touchdowns last year—back to spin it for the Horny Toads. Wide receivers Eric McAlister and Jordan Dwyer look poised for big seasons, and I think TCU—like about 8 other teams in the Big 12—could push for a playoff spot this year if things break their way…if a sneaky tough schedule doesn’t hold them back.

Big 12 Beav's pick: I don't trust UNC's newly-formed O-Line, and there's just too many new pieces to fit together so quickly, even for a legend like Chapel Bill™. TCU wins an entertaining contest behind a potent passing attack, 35-28.

Boxslayer’s Weekly Booty Grab

Week 0 Recap (Season Record: 1-1-0) – The Box Man went against the grain and nailed his Iowa State +3 pick last week…and was just a forearm away from hitting his bonus play of Over 51. Rest assured he’s been studying his Bible: Book of Phil – Phil Steele’s legendary preseason mag – this week and is prepared to give you the upper hand in this absolute gift of an opening weekend.

Big Box’s Play of the Week™ – The Beamer Bowl – An early test for a team—South Carolina—that I think is going to be the SEC darkhorse this year. LaNorris Sellers and the ‘Cocks are coming to Atlanta favored by a little more than a TD (-7.5 pts) with one of the most underrated teams in the country. A Florence, SC native—like yours truly and the father of Burt—Sellers has plenty of weapons to throw to, including one of the best playmakers in the country in Nyck Harbor. Rocket Sanders is gone, but Rahsul Faison was finally cleared to play and will add a complimentary running game to an already explosive passing attack.

Defensively, the Gamecocks have one of the best defenses lines in the country and will terrorize the Hokies all game long. Box’s prediction – Gamecocks -7.5

Baylor +2.5 vs. Auburn – Home ‘dog in Week 1 will provide the Bears with all the motivation they need to get this done. Waco is a sneaky tough place to play and Auburn hasn’t had much success covering as favorites—particularly on the road—since Freeze took the helm.

Tennessee -14 vs. Syracuse – Another game played in Atlanta, but this one shouldn’t be close. Tennessee may have lost Nico Iamaleava, but their defense remains deep and talented, and should help the Vols control the tempo of this game. I like the Vols to cover in a non-competitive affair.

Texas vs. Ohio State OVER 48 – Should be a great game from start to finish. Both teams are solid on both sides of the ball, but Box likes a shootout with oodles of explosive plays and maybe a pick six. Take the over in this one and hope that both teams lose.

Clemson -3.5 vs. LSU – Assuming Box doesn’t get too enthused over Saturday’s afternoon action and forget to pace himself, this is the game he’s most excited to watch. Two of best QB’s in the game meet in one of college football’s best environments—Death Valley at night—with serious Playoff implications…let’s fucking go. As I mentioned last week, I love Clemson this year and think they’ll punch LSU in the mouth early and never look back. This one tightens up in the second half, but Clemson holds onto that early advantage and covers at home.

Badger Bill’s Lock of the Week

I hate Carson Beck. Noted asshole. Wasn’t good at UGA. Won’t be good at Miami…Butttt Notre Dame’s CJ Carr isn’t Riley Leonard. Lacks the legs. Lacks the experience. Just don’t see him leading the Irish into that balmy August weather in South Florida and coming out with a W. Could have been a good night for the Turnover Chain. Rest in pieces! The U, +2.5